[Installment six of previously published articles, corrected and updated.]
Frustration is diffused anger, just as anxiety is diffused fear. When we are feeling frustrated, something is blocking us from achieving a goal and we are angry about that block. The frustration and anger do not help to resolve the issue, however, somewhere in our past we have been taught to whine or to rant or rave in a vain attempt to remove the blockage. Often, this frustration/anger reaction is focused on getting someone else to remove the block for us. Since humans are wired by God in creation to "respond so well" to whining, ranting and raving, these choices usually result in an increase in our frustration and anger.
There is a better way. The first step involves a good quantity of self awareness. Look at the frustration and determine what the true anger is underneath it all. Many times the "frustration trigger" is only loosely connected to the real issue that is producing the anger itself. For example, many people (present company excluded) get frustrated in traffic. We "get angry" at the other drivers none of whom drive to the standards of perfection in driving which ourselves display at all times and in all circumstances. Looking more closely at the frustration, we can see that there is an element of control here or more clearly, a lack of control over our safety and someone else's driving skills. We have been taught that being frustrated and angry feels better than feeling that we are unsafe and without control of our environment. Additionally, those feelings of discomfort may go to early childhood experiences when often we were unable to affect a safe control over others in our environment. So, is it traffic or other drivers, or life-long accumulation of anger over our own sense of powerlessness?
Underneath anger is powerlessness and pain (helplessness and hurt if "H" is the letter of the day). Anger expresses the energy of the fight/flight response and "feels" more effective than doing nothing. Instead of being angry, we can turn that energy to identify our real and perceived pain and powerlessness and change our responses. If our helplessness is rooted in perception, we can find new options to actually change the situation for the better. In the case of traffic, we can relax the death-grip of our muscles on the steering wheel, leave plenty of distance separating cars, and we can even let the most offensive lane-dodger into our lane with a polite wave. We can breathe deeply. Breathing is to remind us of the breath of God's loving Spirit which calms the storms of life (Mark 4:35ff). If the helplessness comes from reality, calmly looking around as we breathe, we see how many of our fellow travelers are also being swamped with feelings from the storms of life, then acceptance is our centered response. If we are truly powerless, then no amount of physical or emotional energy will change the situation. That is when we "let go and let God" and start singing in the rain.
The pain/hurt underlying anger is also simple to deal with [Note: "simple" and "easy" do not mean the same thing]. We accept and do what we can to heal the hurt. We ask God to touch the wounds rather than continuing to demand that others (often those who wounded us in the first place) come and heal us. Constant focus on or talk about pain does not lessen its impact. Rather, it increases it. Repeatedly putting ourselves where we have been hurt before, and not applying a healing balm for ourselves, also produces more pain. Pain in life is inevitable. Suffering is voluntary. The fourteenth chapter of the Gospel of John points the way from suffering to a healing life.
In the Letter to the Ephesians, we read that Paul said, "Be angry, but don't sin." (4:26) We are not capable of stopping feelings of anger and frustration, or any other feelings. The human brain generates feelings mainly through our limbic system, which kicks in before our upper cerebral cortex can process with thoughts and logic. Paul recognized this truth. We will feel angry. Using our upper brain to "not sin", we acknowledge the feelings instead of expressing or repressing them, and we focus on our actions. We don't control feelings, we control our behavior. The Book of Genesis gives us many wonder-full stories of how this works, including Jacob & Esau and Joseph & his brothers.
Rational Emotive/Cognitive Behavioral Therapy guides us in this shift from feeling to acting in a reasonable way. The frustration reaction says, "it's awful, just catastrophic, when things don't go the way I want them to! I can't stand it." The "don't sin", healthy response is to acknowledge the feeling by repeating over and over, " when things go awry, it's inconvenient and distressing, rather than catastrophic. It's tolerable, I can stand it. I'll change things if I can, and cope successfully with the rest." Wishing you successful and copious coping.
[Comments, questions, disagreements, snide remarks and silly stories are welcome. RoB]