We all start out in this life as dependent beings. We can do little or nothing for ourselves and that condition stays in existence for years, in some areas for decades. Dependency is a normal part of the development of every human person. If we are children (assuming no debilitating condition), we then grow out of it. Culturally we see the movement into puberty and adolescence as one from the dependency of childhood into the independence of the teen years. “: “Independence”, however, is a loaded word in our society: “the War of ____________, The Declaration of _________________, _______ Hall”. Independence has mythic and obligatory and entitled status associated with it. Like dependence, it too is just a stage in development. Independence is not the final frontier of human growth.
It is regrettable that many adults get arrested or stuck in their growth at one of these two levels of development and they fail to move on in the journey of life. Being dependent as an adult is having boundaries that are too loose, giving too much credence to the wishes and opinions of others. Being independent is having too tight or strict boundaries where we care too little of others. Over-dependence is encompassed in the thought/feeling of: ”I need someone I can depend on, someone to lean on- who can help me out when I need it.” Sounds okay doesn’t it? The operative irrationality in this belief statement is the repeated misuse of the word “need”.
When we are infants, or when we are truly debilitated, we do “need” others. In all other situations we “want” others. We will not die if we don’t get what we want, we will just feel like we are going to die. The opposite irrationality is independence where we mis-believe that we don’t “need” (or want) anyone else. We carry the emotional reactions from our real, early, development into other stages of life where they are no longer appropriate or healthful.
The rational healthy restatement is then: “I’ll do my best to stand on my own two feet. It’s great to have friends who help, but they have their own lives to deal with and I am unrealistic to expect constant help. Besides, I am strong enough to handle my own affairs”. Remember the process for this whole series of articles: identify when you are thinking/feeling/acting on the irrational emotional belief level and then repeat the rational restatement over and over again, out loud and in writing if you wish, until the irrational fear response subsides.
This is about dependence on and between humans. Upon whom may we be dependent in our lives? “What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not withhold his own son, but gave him up for all of us, will he not also give us everything else?” (Romans 8:31f, NRSV). Our irrational attachments to dependency on other humans is an indicator of our level of spiritual as well as our emotional development.
It is our spiritual growth and development that can support, guide and sustain positive changes in our ongoing emotional journey. John 14:15ff reminds us that in loving God, we will have available as a gift, an advocate, a counselor or mentor even the Spirit of Truth. Earlier in John (8:31), Jesus tells the true disciples that they shall know the truth and the truth will make them free.
The principle of full disclosure that was not in effect in Jesus’ day, requires me to add the caution for growth that “you shall know the truth and the truth will make you free, but first it will make you miserable.” Growth and maturation can be quite discomforting and disturbing of our patterned equilibrium. Be dependent on the wisdom and the love of God, not on human beings. Strive to live in accord with the teachings summarized in Matthew 6:25-34. Strive first for the Kingdom of God.
[Next in series: “Helplessness for Change – My past history is an all-important determiner of my present behavior; because of the earlier influences on my life, I am what I am, and will always be this way.” Comments, questions, discussion and disagreements are welcome.]