[The third installment of previously published articles, with additions and corrections.]
I must be loved and approved of by everyone I consider significant.
We are truly the brothers and sisters of the Sons of Zebedee (Mark 10:35ff). Like the brothers, James and John, we want to be assured of the most honored status or position for our self. We want Jesus to tell us that we will sit at his right and left hand. Nay, we want the most honored right hand location. It "feels" as if in order to survive or to be of any worth, we must have a sense of that humanly unattainable state of being the sole object of "unconditional love and positive regard" (sorry, Carl Rogers). And we are the ones who pick the person or persons, who are to supply that unending flow of affection and support. [if not Jesus, or God or Allah, it is parents, teachers, bosses, partners who are most frequently chosen.] "You must love and approve of me and all that I do" is the foundation of several common irrational demands and expectations that we make in relationships. This "demand for approval" is the root of the expectation that others will think, feel and act as we wish. It is the psychodynamic underlying the relational patterns of hierarchy and control, as well as of disappointment and depression.
The most tyrannical despots, the dictators in society or home or office, the apparently powerful demagogues are in reality the least powerful. Their need for control comes from this demand for approval which rests not on strength, but on a sense of a lack of internal power, love and care. Instead of actually controlling, they are being controlled by poor patterns of love and concern and the inability to move beyond a childish state of tantrum to get one's perceived needs met.
The opposite withdrawal toward passivity, depression and whining has the same root in the demand for love, as the attitude of "I want what I want when I want it." If we don't get what we feel we must have, we try to control by manipulating the behaviors of others (the dictator) or by controlling the sense of guilt and responsibility in others (the whiner).
I want to be loved or approved by most people, and I will try to act in a respectful manner so they will. But, it is inevitable that some people, for their own reasons, will refuse/decline to like or accept me. This is their issue; my self esteem depends on me rather than the whims of others.
When feeling the irrational demand for approval, read the above paragraph, over and over, until the feeling subsides. Read it out loud so that you get the auditory input as well as the visual (write it if you want to add a mechanical component). What will start to happen in your brain is the creation of new neuron paths that represent the rational restatement rather than the old irrational belief. Through time and repetition (remember it took years to ingrain the irrational belief and behavior), a new sense of self will emerge with accompanying thoughts and actions.
There are scriptural supports for this rational thought process including: Jesus telling the disciples to first be servants of others (John 13), the story of the places at the banquet in Luke 14, and Paul's many reminders about the balance between honor in the world and honor from God (Galatians 1:10, Colossians 2:20 ff, and 3:1-4). There are even times, Jesus says, that we are to just walk away when we meet with disapproval (Matthew 10:11-14 and Mark 6:1-13). God's love and acceptance is that within which we live and grow in wisdom and peace.
Next: High Self Expectations