Can you make a meaningful distinction among the following relationships: stranger, acquaintance, colleague, neighbor, friend, partner or family member?
In western culture the boundaries of levels of intimacy and importance in relations are often quite blurred. We speak intimately of those we know little and we treat deep relationships worse than we treat strangers. For some people, all relationships are kept on the surface for many of the reasons we have covered in previous articles in this series. For others, there is a demand for closeness that is not real or sustainable. “In order to be fulfilled as a human being, I must have lots of close friends and intimate relationships.”
All relationships require a level of commitment of our time, energy and resources. How we distribute these personal commodities determines the level of intimacy. Most of our resources are to be shared in healthy relations with family and friends. Then we spend time and energy with work or school or community colleagues, followed by neighbors and acquaintances. Strangers get our least investment of our resources. [This is different from “not caring”. We can share with others, even strangers and sojourners, without giving them our ATM Pin numbers. This is about boundaries, rather than caring.] Unless of course, we are an infant or toddler when everyone is a stranger and a potential friend.
In past manifestations of my personal and professional personae, I have often been introduced as “our ‘expert’ speaker, preacher, lecturer, workshop or retreat leader.” I pass such descriptions through my reality filters of cynicism and sarcasm (they were the gifts brought by the fourth and fifth Magi who had a bug in their GPS). The traditional definition of an expert is someone who has traveled more than 50 miles to get to the gig. In mathematics, “X” is the great unknown variable. A “spurt” is plumbing is a drip under pressure. Thus an expert: a great unknown drip under pressure.
Frequently after a presentation, I am approached by people who want to be my “new best friend”. I thank them and say that I will consider putting them on my “Potential Friends List.” This usually disturbs most of them deeply. Quickly, I try to explain that before I met them, I already had a full complement of friends to whom I have committed my time, energy and resources. Who, by the way, shared me to be present at this time. Who would I take off my friends list to make room for someone new? What kind of friend would I be to do that? When would it then be your turn to be “bumped”? Many people confuse the boundary that differentiates a delightful, short-term, time limited experience with intimate friendship.
A rational approach to loving God, our neighbor, the sojourner and ourselves calls us to be responsible stewards of the resources of friendship. RET/CBT provide a healthy intimacy: “It is desirable for me to develop meaningful relationships, and intimacy with others is a fulfilling experience. However, well-adjusted people rarely have more than a few close friends and deep intimacy with very few. To love and be loved by a few, and respected and liked by most, is a realistic life goal. I can feel loved and worthy of love from a few deep relationships.
As Paul quotes Epimenides in Acts 17, “In him we live and move and have our being.” The true intimacy and worth of relationship is our connection with God and with the God in ourselves and in others. Healthy relationships are about quality not quantity and equity not equality. May it be so.